What's Up With those Long Fancy Nails?

Ladies spend all this money on these long fake nails and then paint some kind of unicorn on them in teal and mauve. I gotta get me some of those.

People Who Tell Me What to Do

Why is someone always trying to push a religion or belief system on me? Can't they just be happy with who they are without trying to get in everyone's business? I don't go over to their house and urinate on their Petunias like I'd like to. Not frequently anyway.

I Hate Zits

Man, I can't get rid of my zits. I thought they would go away by now but no such luck. Nothing seems to work except for talking nicely to them.

Good Looking Girls

Why won't they ever go out with me. Man I hate them. I'm going to hit one with my wooden leg sometime or throw my toupee at them.

The DMV

Who was the genius that developed the super fast system of awesome friendliness and competence that is the DMV? What a pleasure. Kudos.

Aggressive People

These are the people who are always willing to shaft someone to get ahead. I admire and love them so much that I wish I could squeeze them like the pimples on my palms.